Well, hello there. I’m Mr. Wolf. I solve academic problems.
Sometimes colleagues, advisers, administrators, or students send you egregious emails or behave in an outrageous manner — yet, you don’t want to ruffle feathers.
Mr. Wolf is here to help. I’ll say what you want to say but can’t. I’m not here to say “please,” I’m here to tell it like it is.
If you would like Mr. Wolf to solve your academic problems, forward emails or send descriptions of misbehavior to email@example.com.
In the following correspondence, names and details have been changed to protect the identities of the not-so-innocent.
Dear Panel Commentator:
My apologies for not submitting my paper to you three weeks ago, as instructed. I’m just enormously busy right now, as you can imagine. I simply won’t be able to get the paper to you until Wednesday, which does give you at least a day before the conference starts. I always think these things are better off the cuff anyway, don’t you?
I have no doubt that you are enormously busy! Cultivating your insufferable narcissism must take up so much time.
Get your shit together and submit the paper.
I would like to talk to you about my paper I can’t beleive I got a 70. Ive never gotten a grade that low all my teacher’s have always said Im a good writir.
I think you need to make the acquaintance of Mr. Apostrophe and Ms. Spell Check before you talk to your Professor about your grade.
I know we have a test on Monday, but I will not be able to make it to class. I flew home this weekend on standby, as I do most weekends because I can use my dad’s frequent flyer miles, but unfortunately flying standby means I can’t control what flight I can get on, which means I am stuck at home until at least Monday night. Is there anyway I can take this exam on another day? Please?
Make-up exam whenever convenient for you: 100,000 of your dad’s frequent flyer miles
Make-up exam when convenient for your professor: 75,000 of your dad’s frequent flyer miles
Make-up exam with max grade of C+ for lateness: 25,000 of your dad’s frequent flyer miles
Free pass on exam, not configured in your grade: 2 business class seats on Emirates
Mr. Wolf is the nom de plume of a small group of historians who think it is about time they unleashed their inner Wolves on people behaving badly.
H/T to Quentin Tarantino for the inspiration.