THE ACADEMIC PUB!
Where everybody cites your name (but still has to look at your conference badge)
BURGERS AND OTHER MAINS
The Adjunct: The leftover half of someone else’s over-cooked burger. Special sauce made from tears of rage and frustration and topped with shredded rejection letters. Server will promise that they’ll bring you your own burger next time you come in.
The Reader Number Two: Burger cooked so rare as to be bloody. Topped with garlic paste, habanero, and pepper jack. You’ll feel it going down, it will wake you up in the middle of the night, and you’ll be unpleasantly reminded of it in the morning.
The Another Year on the Market: Order every burger on the menu. Maybe you’ll get one. Probably not.
The Senior Scholar: The classic burger that made us famous! The secret recipe has been handed down for generations at Yale and Harvard. We only make three a day, so we’ll decide if you have the pedigree to spend time with one.
The White Liberal with Good Intentions: Created especially for POC faculty, students, and staff! A mediocre bowl of “ancient grains,” pan-Asian vegetables, and spices from the various parts of the Global South that white people have recently “fallen in love with.” Comes with a side of whitesplaining.
The Modest Honorarium: Lots of work to eat, but you will be hungry again in an hour.
The Inside Candidate: The burger you’ve always dreamed of! Customize it by choosing the meat, cheese, veggies, and toppings that you desire! Our staff will then eat it in front of you.
The 25-minute Conference Paper: Four patties when one would do! Way too much meat for you to eat in one sitting, so you either have to keep the next guest waiting, apologetically shovel it in, or decide halfway through that you’ll skip the middle third.
The All White Male Panel: Reheated cheeseburger, plain. The chef tried to locate other ingredients but swears he couldn’t find any. It’s not that good, but everyone keeps ordering it.
The Comment Not A Question: Bun, no meat.
Let us host your next event!
Our Job Market Package includes a table for 12 with entrees available for 3 guests.
David Kieran, Chef/Owner
Megan Kate Nelson, Front of House
Wendy Lee, Tara Fee, Michael Anderson, Ethan Kytle, Glenda Gilmore, and Carole Emberton
1 thought on “Welcome to The Academic Pub!”
The Grad Student: you can’t afford the food, but maybe some other custumer will let you pour ketchup on their fries for them or something.
The Visiting Assistant Professor: Anything you want but you have to eat it standing up by the door and we will need you to vacate the premises before you’re halfway finished.